Drama, drama, drama

What a weekend!  Just when I thought that it could all be smooth sailing on a kidless weekend….oh, no, no, no.  I may have mentioned before that the ex works 24 on, 48 off (I get first childcare option on his weekend work days).  The work shift this last weekend fell on Sunday.  Okay, plans made to take visiting teacher/houseguest from remote “dry”  (meaning no liquor allowed) village out for a night on the town Friday night.  (Sidenote: Boy 1 participated in a cultural rural-urban exchange in the Alaska bush, he loved it, this last week was our turn to host.)  Friday afternoon, I get an email from the ex stating, :“I am working tonight, per the parenting agreement you asked for, you are responsible for getting Boy 1 from school and to Really Far Away Meeting Spot Sat. morning at 8:30 am.  Arrangements have allready been made for Boy 2  to overnite at a friend’s house which I will be taking care of.” Well, fine, I am nothing if not flexible.  I make arrangements for Boy 1 to stay at Sister’s house overnight.  Then I get to thinking, wow, that sucks that Boy 1 has to be dragged out of bed at 8 am to go to the Really Far Away Meeting Spot, just to turn around and come back to town at 11 am for the farewell to the Village People at the airport.  Screw it.  I KNOW it’s a violation of the parenting agreement, but you know what?  The case is closed, Folks.  Noone cares.  There is no ongoing custody investigation, the judge could really give a shit at this point.

So I fire off this email around 9:30 pm:

“So that Boy 1 is not spending an hour traveling back and forth tomorrow morning, he can just stay here and catch a ride with Village Teacher to the airport where you can meet him, since you were planning on taking him to the airport anyways.

Before you start screaming about the parenting agreement, why don’t we just call it even for your scheduling a trip taking the boys on some of my custody days without checking with me first. (please note, he violates the parenting agreement all over the place)

Since I haven’t heard that you won’t be working on Sunday, I will plan on picking the boys up Sunday AM.”

Boy 1 happily goes to his Auntie’s house, Village Teacher and I happily partake of libations and live music until the wee hours.  Come home at 3 am, wake up at 8 am, fetch Boy 1 and put him back to sleep on the couch.  Go back to bed, set alarm for one hour.  Phone starts ringing at 8:30 am.  It is the ex, making like he never got the email.  Ignore phone, drift off.  Phone rings again, this time the Step-Mother, sounding all worried like on the answering machine, “Boy 1, it’s your step-mother.  Your dad is waiting at the Really Far in BFE Meeting Spot.”  Phone rings again.  It’s the Ex.  Again.  I pick up (even though he has said I am never to talk to him again).  “Where is my son,” he asks.  I answer, “he’s sleeping.  Did you get my email?”  Which, of course he did.  He hangs up.  Then the freaking phone rings some more.  It’s the step-mother… demanding to speak to Tony, whom she is convinced is awake.  She wants to confirm airport plans (nevermind that there were FIVE phone calls the evening before about the same damn thing).  I say, “Eleven, at the airport”. And she hangs up on me.  THEN SHE CALLS RIGHT BACK!!!! I answer, ever so sweetly and as if I don’t see it’s her on the caller ID.  AND SHE IMMEDIATELY HANGS UP!!!  I know, I know.  She’s 12.

I anticipate the retaliatory email all day.  I am, in fact, breathless in anticipation!  And I get… nothing?  It’s actually a little disappointing.  Then I get one.  And it says, I work Sunday.  Oh goody!  Another early morning, rising at 7 am to drive 20 miles to B.F.E.  Where I sit for 30 minutes.  He’s a no-show, so I go back home to find this email:I decided to take some time off this morning. The boys will be available for you at the Really Far Away Meeting Spot at 4pm. Otherwise, they will remain with us uninterrupted for the remainder of our custody week. Jerk.

And then this email, which my mom was nice enough to forward.  It wasn’t addressed to me, just to my mother and another close friend/caregiver.  It’s the best….

On Saturday 4/12/08, Entire Legal Name took it upon herself to not return my son, Entire Legal Name of Boy 1, to me immediately following my work shift on my legal custody weekend. She did so with explanation only that it prevented travel time she personally deemed unnecessary. Half-assed single Mom assumed the legal right to dictate my son’s schedule during my legal custody time and took personal advantage of the transition that must occur to her house while I am on shift during my custody weekend.

Entire Legal Name broke the court-ordered parenting agreement by not returning my son to me at the court-orderded time and location and intentionally denied me legal custody time with my son.

Like my mother is going to spank me?  Puh-lease.  It’s been two years, and the Ex STILL doesn’t realize that she is so not on his side.

Good times, good times.

As We Change

When I received an invitation in the mail to join the AARP, I really thought it was a one-off.  I chuckled and promptly tossed it in the trash.

And then.  I get the most amazing ‘mature woman’ catalogue ever (with the possible exception of the International Male catalogue).  It’s called “As We Change” and I have to tell you, it has provided me with endless hours of amusement.  I think I’ve showed it to my boyfriend three times already.  The bathing suits are awesome and I really could dig all the clothing with disguised elastic panels.  Someday.  For now though, I think I may try this one:

BRING IT UP A/B/C BREAST LIFTS

Because the after picture is SO much better than the before!  Who wouldn’t want the sisters spread-eagled?

Ex-Email of the Week

On Wednesday, from the ex, in response to my emailing asking which day he was working this weekend.  For future reference, our custody schedule now goes- me: one week, him: one week, except if he is working his 24 hr shift Fri, Sat or Sun.  Then I get the Boy 1 and Boy 2.

B shift is Sunday, but I could be working Saturday or Sunday at this point, or neither.  You will know when I do.

It is no problem if you are not available by the time I know for sure. My family is complete without any involvement from you.

I absolutely love the last little line/dig.  Good to know!  It’s almost as good as him trying not to give me any advance notice for when I get my kiddos.  Like I care, I’ll take them any day of the week.

Why am I here?

I’ve been sorting through the correspondence from my ex and his wife for a couple of different reasons.  The first being, of course, to illustrate on this blog the sequence of craziness that comes from these sorts of custody disputes.  I also wanted to try to replicate the sense of confusion and outrage that I felt when I was first reading them.  You know what?  I just can’t do it!  Oh, don’t get me wrong, I still roll my eyes and snicker at the god-awful spelling and ridiculous lines of illustration that both my ex and his wife used (and still do).  But I’m so over it, although not above blogging about it!

I’ve received a few emails from old far-away friends who, after reading the first few posts here, wrote to offer a listening ear and/or advice.  I love you guys!  But isn’t it insane that this kind of crap is so universal?  That really is the point of this blog.  When I was really in the midst of the insanity, I searched the internet for some sort of parallel to my situation.  I found tons of posts on support boards and forums about extremely abusive ex-spouses, but not so much about the slyly manipulative and controlling one.  I seriously doubt that my life is that unique.  And the techniques that my ex attempts to use on me are not limited to divorced couples.  I’m sure this shit goes on between married couples, extended family members, co-workers, etc.  Boy 2 asked me sometime ago what my life philosophy was.  It didn’t take me long (well, 31 yrs but who’s counting) to realize that it is “Live and Let Live”.  I’ll take you for you are and if I don’t like you that much, I won’t make an issue of it.  I won’t take it personally and I’ll move on.  That has been only one of the huge lessons I have learned (in a roundabout way) from the last two years.  I’m only here to entertain and to impart my teeny bit of wisdom.

My 4th grader is a co-parent. Already.

Boy 2 showed me one of his favorite stuffed kittens today.  Snowball apparently has fur cancer, but has been cleaned by Boy 2’s ‘girlfriend’, so is well on the way to recovery.  Thank god for fur cancer miracles!  Anyways, Boy 2 informed me that it is Snowball’s week to stay with him.  I guess Boy 2 and his little friend have been trading Snowball back and forth (pass-offs occur at recess) in a shared custody type situation.  I asked Boy 2 if he wasn’t just a tad young to already be divorced.  His answer was that he just wasn’t old enough to get married.

Frankly, I’m sure I should be a little more worried about this cavalier attitude at such a young age regarding shared custody.  But in an age where most children live the shuffle life, I don’t think there is any getting around it.  That’s the part I hate about being the half-ass mom.

And the fun begins…

The email that kicked it all off….

10-25-06 I sent this last week to your hotmail account instead of this one, please let me know which one you prefer.

Your response to the motion to change child custody, support and visitation gives even more reason for us to use email as our only contact. The lies and retractions of verbal agreements will come to an end with this being a written docuement of our contact and discussions regaurding the boys.

Let me state again that no communication is to be sent back and forth using the boys as messengers.

Contact through email and using (name deleted) as a visitation mediator will work just fine with some time and practice. We will need to work out a system for the days that I choose to have the boys during your week while they are out of school and you are at work (3 to 6 PM) so that you know where they are at all times during your week.

Again, only barring emergencies regaurding the boys are you to call me by phone. You are more than welcome to call and speak to the boys while they are with me as long as it is before their 8:30 bedtime. I will expect the same and use the same curtiousy using 8:30 as the cutoff time.

It is still mine and (name deleted)’s desire to have the boys with us for the entire week when it is our week reguardless of my work schedule. Until a written agreement is made and filed with the court, the boys will continue to be with you during my work days. I would still be willing to mediate with a mediator or counselor in regaurds to the visitation schedule to comply with the current custody order. Pick a day and a mediator and let me know with some days in advance. I will also research for a mediator.

Please remember to keep the boys out of this mess completely. They do not need to be part of this battle and need not know that you and I are at odds and going to court. This is the most crucial part of being and acting like an adult and protecting our children.

The Ex works 24 hours on, 48 off. Needless to say, shared custody on that kind of schedule took some creative time tooling. But we made it work. Disjointed for the boys? Yes. Probably not the best thing. However, they didn’t have to go for days without seeing either one of us. And now that the boys have gotten older, I see the benefits for them in a week-on, week-off schedule. But at the time? With a woman who had been in their lives for 6 months and who I had hardly met? He wants them to spend the night with her WHILE I am available? No way.

So, first post…

I can’t decide if I’m just supposed to jump in with life or have the explanatory back story here. In perusing other favorite blogs, it seems bloggers just jump in? Okay, I only checked two. And maybe someday the full thing will go in the “justification” page. How about this? I start with some back fill, post current stuff and take you through into the past once in awhile.

Back Fill Part:

Married REAL young (pregnant with Boy 1, of course). Had Boy 2 also really young. Separated in 2002, divorced in 2003. Amicable divorce, by the way. 4 years of for-the-most-part cooperative co-parenting ensue. Ex-Husband meets Love of His Life in January of 2006. By September of 2006, they are cohabbing and Ex-Husband files a motion to change our child custody agreement based on this new arrangement of his. Are you with me still? Okay, this is all fine and dandy until I file the paperwork that says hell, no! I’m the mama! And who is this chick anyways? One and a half years later, the ridiculousness is still happening but now I’m just getting a kick out of it, so thought I would share with the world.

Cheers!