Mom By Half

First of all, congratulations to the ex and his wife on the birth of their new baby.  No, really.  I mean it.

When I picked up the boys today, they came screaming out the door to tell me the news.  And then promptly got in a fight, because apparently Boy 2 had won Rock, Paper, Scissors and therefore the privilege of telling me.  And then Boy 1 just talked faster. And for the moment, that was a bigger deal than the new brother.

Anywhoo… I knew this moment was coming.  My children getting a new sibling.  I thought maybe I would need a bottle of wine, some contemplation or, I don’t know, something.  But the reaction I had was more like if my mother had told me some second cousin from Nebraska whom I had only met once as a child had given birth.  So, it was more like, “huh”  and then, as an afterthought, what did the kid weigh?

I know, I know.  This is an important event in my boys’ lives.  I’m sure stuff will change for them. At their other house.  I do care about that and I’m glad that they are excited and welcoming of their new brother (even if he is named after a rock, heh).  I just can’t seem to get that emotional about it otherwise.

I think I’ll still have that glass of wine though.

It is so like me to start a blog right at the busiest time of the year.  Summer time in this part of the country is a collective shift of the community from hibernation to complete manic activity.  The short summer season here makes me feel like I have to do X,Y, and Z like RIGHT now or the warm months will have been wasted.  I am, in fact, looking out the window on a garden plot that needs some serious attention.  While gardening is not really my gig, with food prices the way they are, planting swiss chard and broccoli seems like a good way to save a few bucks.

Then there is the second job.  I live in a major tourist area and decided that taking a part-time evening job serving tables on the weeks when I don’t have the kids would be a good idea.  Money-wise, it’s awesome but it means that when I do work in the evenings, I am working from 9 am until midnight or later.  The interesting thing is that I used to look forward to my non-custody weeks (for the peace and quiet because I’m just an evil mom like that), but now the custody weeks seem easier!

Even though…. Boy 1 is firmly entrenched in teenagehood.  My god.  The attitude!  I feel so bad for the teenage angst he is experiencing, but at the same time, I want to kick his butt into next week (or the year 2015).  And he won’t even be 13 until June.  The anger issues, which I’m assured are normal for this stage, nonetheless smack of his father’s pent up anger and control issues and that worries me.

Speaking of which… I took both boys on a little road trip to a State Rec area about 40 miles out of town the other weekend.  It also happens to be about 20 miles past the area my ex and his wife live.  As we’re cruising down the road, Boy 2 pipes up, all worried-like,  from the back seat and says, “We can’t go on this road!  Dad says he needs his space!”.  Excuse the hell out of me??? What is wrong with that man!

Cheers!

That’s right.  My boys did not wake up early to make me breakfast in bed.  Or coffee.  The little guys did not get out of bed until 10:00.  Lazy critters.

And guess what?  It was great!

No loud yelling and fights.  No loud Guitar Hero marathons.  No screams from Boy 2 as Boy 1 intentionally pushes his buttons.  The silence was bliss.  And the coffee I made was perfect.

And then it didn’t hurt that they were so chagrined for sleeping in, that they jumped to do whatever I said the rest of the day.  Loved it!  Hope all the other mums out there had a great Mother’s Day as well.

I finally watched “Juno” last night.  It’s not that I haven’t wanted to see it but a) I hate the local mongo-cineplex, b) canceled my Netflix since I was paying $17 a month to have the same copy of the Bionicle Movie for weeks and c) have a passive-aggressive and financially detrimental relationship with the local video store (they rent me the movie and then I accidentally keep it for too long before returning it.  Usually unwatched).

Beyond the whole teenage mother thing… yes!  I identify! … what got me was Jason Bateman’s portrayal of Mark, the somewhat unwilling husband of the adoptive mother.

I have dated this guy in several incarnations.  You know, the guy who is pushing middle age but still thinks he is cool enough to hang with the young and hip.  And I’m not saying that we non-teenagers can’t be hip but, well, you know.

This is the guy who is pushing 40 and still wants to be a rock star.  Who is still skateboarding at the local skate park even though all the real punk kids are like, “who the hell is that old fogey?”.  Who still sports an anarchy symbol bumper sticker on his ski rack.  Who still shows up at the underground dances/raves (I remember those people and I thought they were GROSS!).

This is the guy who doesn’t know what he wants and still needs to find himself and that is his best break-up line.

It’s the version of “it’s not you, it’s me” that really reads like this: I have super-fun playing in your bed, but this whole real-life thing you have going on?  Not so into that!

As much as I get a kick out of some of the catalogs that show up in my mailbox, they usually just get tossed. And in a state where paper recycling is non-existent, this is a problem. I can’t burn them in my woodstove because of all those glossy, shiny pages. I have more than enough stuff, so don’t need to be reminded of the stuff that I could have (but don’t really need). This site offers a solution, although it does take a bit of work. Each catalog you want to opt out of needs to be individually identified. That being said, it’s quick and painless!

Opt out, my friends!

I had the day off from work, and thought I would do something nice for Mother Earth.   I’m sacrificing by not  using my car as much this summer, and will instead be driving this newly-purchased hunk of metal around.

Really.  It’s for the environment.

YEEEEEE-HAW!

A blast from the past email from the oh-so-perfect stepmother…

Please, Bio-Mom. There just must not be enough love in this world……not sure if it is hormones or what, but I have even recently thought, as I used to before the drama became evident, “hmmmm, wouldn’t it feel nice to drop by Bio-mom’s work with the boys just so they can run in and say hi”….or “maybe Bio-mom would love some fresh flowers, just because…” ……all of this because I know what love on this earth can do - ok, maybe not really “love” in this situation, that is a real reach at this point, but at least the whole Random Act of Kindness gig……NO sarcasm in that either…..but then I always wake from that fantasy with the reality of the dishonesty dished out our way. In another life, I would still be able to do those things. I do believe in the creed of my bumper stickers, I am just not the saint who wrote them. I wish I could reach out and provide Random Acts of Kindness to you, if only for selfish reasons, because I know deep down how good that would actually feel…and because maybe, just maybe, that would make a difference to you and this dishonesty and bullony would stop. There is a quote I adore: “When they conk you on the head with their billysticks, zap them right back with superlove.” I feel like my head has been conked on plenty by you, but I’ll be darned if I can muster the ability to zap you back with any of form superlove.

Now, while this woman has sent me reams and reams of crazy-ass emails, this one is my favorite. I mean, where the hell did that quote come from? I googled it, and sure enough there was an entry on urbandictionary.com or some such site. But I’m pretty sure she submitted it herself.

Oh, and the dishonesty and ‘bullony’ to which she refers? No idea. Except maybe it pissed them off when I challenged their attempt to change the custody agreement SIX months after they met. I’ve asked for examples of my ‘dishonesty’, etc, but somehow that evidence is never forthcoming.

And the bumper stickers? One of my other favorite things. Both of their vehicles now have bumper stickers that say hippie-sweet things such as, “With Love, All Things Are Possible” and “Peace is Possible”. I totally called her on the hypocrisy of sporting such sentiments, while continuing to send crazy emails on a daily basis.

Hope everyone has a SUPERLOVE sort of day! Go SUPERLOVE someone. Or yourself!

Dad’s House wrote a post this morning that hit a chord in me. See it here. Communication issues are prevalent amongst us single parents, but sharing information about your child’s health should be a no-brainer. Unfortunately, for some people, withholding information is a way to exercise control. Even if it affects their own child.

And then, there is this extreme…

My ex threw a fit one time because I scheduled dentist appointments during his week. The boys both had cavities and I took the earliest appointments available because our dentist is normally booked out several weeks. This is just a snippet of the thousands of words he had to write about the subject:

“I will still be calling care providers and informing them you are not authorized to schedule appointments in the future without my consent, as I am the insurance holder and you continue to overstep your parental rights with no agreement to stop that behavior.”

I had emailed him that I would be happy to leave work and take the boys to their appointments if he couldn’t, but he felt the major point was that I had encroached on HIS parenting time. Well, fine, if you put your self before your kids rotting teeth.

I told him to go ahead if his lawyer agreed with him. He’d just look like an ass anyway. The boys kept their appointments.

It’s super unfortunate when parents put their own petulance and control issues before their children and health care.

My phone rings last night and the caller ID displays my sister’s name. Being the loving sister that I am, I answer with a “Waaaaasssssuuuuuuup, BEEEEEYOOOOOTCH?”.

Just to hear my four-yr-old nephew holler back, “WWWWWHHHHHAAAAAAAT YOU SAAAAAAY???”

Crap.

What a weekend!  Just when I thought that it could all be smooth sailing on a kidless weekend….oh, no, no, no.  I may have mentioned before that the ex works 24 on, 48 off (I get first childcare option on his weekend work days).  The work shift this last weekend fell on Sunday.  Okay, plans made to take visiting teacher/houseguest from remote “dry”  (meaning no liquor allowed) village out for a night on the town Friday night.  (Sidenote: Boy 1 participated in a cultural rural-urban exchange in the Alaska bush, he loved it, this last week was our turn to host.)  Friday afternoon, I get an email from the ex stating, :“I am working tonight, per the parenting agreement you asked for, you are responsible for getting Boy 1 from school and to Really Far Away Meeting Spot Sat. morning at 8:30 am.  Arrangements have allready been made for Boy 2  to overnite at a friend’s house which I will be taking care of.” Well, fine, I am nothing if not flexible.  I make arrangements for Boy 1 to stay at Sister’s house overnight.  Then I get to thinking, wow, that sucks that Boy 1 has to be dragged out of bed at 8 am to go to the Really Far Away Meeting Spot, just to turn around and come back to town at 11 am for the farewell to the Village People at the airport.  Screw it.  I KNOW it’s a violation of the parenting agreement, but you know what?  The case is closed, Folks.  Noone cares.  There is no ongoing custody investigation, the judge could really give a shit at this point.

So I fire off this email around 9:30 pm:

“So that Boy 1 is not spending an hour traveling back and forth tomorrow morning, he can just stay here and catch a ride with Village Teacher to the airport where you can meet him, since you were planning on taking him to the airport anyways.

Before you start screaming about the parenting agreement, why don’t we just call it even for your scheduling a trip taking the boys on some of my custody days without checking with me first. (please note, he violates the parenting agreement all over the place)

Since I haven’t heard that you won’t be working on Sunday, I will plan on picking the boys up Sunday AM.”

Boy 1 happily goes to his Auntie’s house, Village Teacher and I happily partake of libations and live music until the wee hours.  Come home at 3 am, wake up at 8 am, fetch Boy 1 and put him back to sleep on the couch.  Go back to bed, set alarm for one hour.  Phone starts ringing at 8:30 am.  It is the ex, making like he never got the email.  Ignore phone, drift off.  Phone rings again, this time the Step-Mother, sounding all worried like on the answering machine, “Boy 1, it’s your step-mother.  Your dad is waiting at the Really Far in BFE Meeting Spot.”  Phone rings again.  It’s the Ex.  Again.  I pick up (even though he has said I am never to talk to him again).  “Where is my son,” he asks.  I answer, “he’s sleeping.  Did you get my email?”  Which, of course he did.  He hangs up.  Then the freaking phone rings some more.  It’s the step-mother… demanding to speak to Tony, whom she is convinced is awake.  She wants to confirm airport plans (nevermind that there were FIVE phone calls the evening before about the same damn thing).  I say, “Eleven, at the airport”. And she hangs up on me.  THEN SHE CALLS RIGHT BACK!!!! I answer, ever so sweetly and as if I don’t see it’s her on the caller ID.  AND SHE IMMEDIATELY HANGS UP!!!  I know, I know.  She’s 12.

I anticipate the retaliatory email all day.  I am, in fact, breathless in anticipation!  And I get… nothing?  It’s actually a little disappointing.  Then I get one.  And it says, I work Sunday.  Oh goody!  Another early morning, rising at 7 am to drive 20 miles to B.F.E.  Where I sit for 30 minutes.  He’s a no-show, so I go back home to find this email:I decided to take some time off this morning. The boys will be available for you at the Really Far Away Meeting Spot at 4pm. Otherwise, they will remain with us uninterrupted for the remainder of our custody week. Jerk.

And then this email, which my mom was nice enough to forward.  It wasn’t addressed to me, just to my mother and another close friend/caregiver.  It’s the best….

On Saturday 4/12/08, Entire Legal Name took it upon herself to not return my son, Entire Legal Name of Boy 1, to me immediately following my work shift on my legal custody weekend. She did so with explanation only that it prevented travel time she personally deemed unnecessary. Half-assed single Mom assumed the legal right to dictate my son’s schedule during my legal custody time and took personal advantage of the transition that must occur to her house while I am on shift during my custody weekend.

Entire Legal Name broke the court-ordered parenting agreement by not returning my son to me at the court-orderded time and location and intentionally denied me legal custody time with my son.

Like my mother is going to spank me?  Puh-lease.  It’s been two years, and the Ex STILL doesn’t realize that she is so not on his side.

Good times, good times.